He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
