I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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