If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
