my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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