It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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