I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
