I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
