All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
