The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
