4 words: hood of his car
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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