apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
