Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
