girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
