I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
