I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
