hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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