Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
