life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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