So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
