I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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