shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
