I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
