The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
sex in a hospital.. check
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
