your parents love me but you hate me
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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