Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
is it fun? or sober?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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