Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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