I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
