So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
