He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dear god my vagina.
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