Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
