My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
