I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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