I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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