drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
