So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
