last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
