Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
