Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
