it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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