I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
