I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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