If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
