So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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