I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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