My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
