Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
