Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
