no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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