I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
then he tried to convert me to islam
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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