i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
