1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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