I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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