I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
