you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
