she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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