Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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